Hocd, the mighty grip of its impenetrable stronghold .  But,  however…

It’s been a year  and half since I broke free from this demonic illness, , before I go into all the details, all the steps, all the dos and don’ts .  Allow me to clarify that I’ve suffered from hocd for one and half year on and off, but  last 7 months it was severe before I’ve seen the light at the end of that tunnel.  So don’t get the wrong idea that what I had was only temporary and mild hocd.

Alright..where shall I begin?   Figuring out that you have hocd is the first, those who are new to hocd..,here is a link below you can visit


, however we all know that time to time all hocd sufferers struggle  with “ am I gay or do I have hocd?”.  Here is a post that helped me a lot from the beginning


Trust me it will eliminate a lot of your fears, and will answer many of your questions.  Alright , Since now you have done that..you still might be thinking or doubting ..
“but I’ve heard this guy or girl that I know first he was attracted with opposite sex and but later on his late twenties  he was attracted to both sex, so okay so you say that one can never become gay since they have attracted to opposite sex, but I’m sure I will become gay oh god I just hope that I stay with opposite sex”.  Oh  and here is a good one, this one gets everybody who has hocd

 “ I’ve read or  I know this person who  left his wife or husband ..Cause he/she wasn’t attracted to their spouse anymore..instead it’s the members from same sex they were attracted to, so what if I ‘m one those people?” .    ..i think it’s possible that one can only find opposite sex  accretive and then later on they find out that they’re also attracted to same sex (I’m not sure on this one..I’m just saying),  and the second scenario  there is no possibility, but let’s say hypothetically   that does happen ..who knows?  in life a lot of things happens that goes against logic..or we only have scratched surface of  homosexuality and bisexuality…so lets consider that there is a possibility.  Well, alright let’s not panic here..why?, cause you are not them Period.. and how can I prove it? Well if ask any homo or bisexual that if once in their w life time if they feared of being attracted to same sex..(the answer is always NO, I don’t care who it is or when they turned gay or bi ..they never had this fear like you do, yes IT IS THAT SIMPLE, but let me starch it a little more.. by now I’m sure you might worrying that you’ve read  many stories  of gay or bisexual individuals who were shamed of their attractions,  who wished that  weren’t bi or gay.   And you don’t wish to be gay either.   Let me guess asking yourself   Is there a common ground here? Am I in closet?  Again not even close.  Why? Well its not like they are shamed of their attractions or they wish they weren’t gay cause …they find those sexual thoughts toward same sex repulsive.., they are discusted by it, but it’s because due to rejection and such… they fear once they come out of closet how the world will treat them and what their  loved one might think of them?.  But the whole being gay or bi part they love it, they get pleasure from any sexual thoughts and dreams and fanatics and ect  toward same sex (they love  the whole romantic, pshlsical, sexual part when it comes same sex) they wish they didn’t , but they do and YOU DON’T.   And what do you do when you see someone from same sex?  Run..flee..panic..act like an armadillo..feel like hitting them right in the face, when they come too close to you? Which one is it my friend. 

Well I’ll leave the rest for you to figure it out..

Now that we ‘ve cover the basics.  What separates hocd from the rest is that..when a person with ocd/hocd..their mind is constantly  playing tricks on them..and hocd mind is always playing those intrusive thoughts, body signals and images  that seems so real.  Most of  you struggle to find out what’s real and  what’s not., and that’s where I think most gets stuck and the cycle continues .   But I’v got a counter attack, I’ll reveal it a little later on.

Now let me go into all the steps that worked for me..It took me about good 5-7 months until all of it dissolved slowly.  so I’d lying if I’v said goes away in matter of a week or two.

I was let by my conscious, (its complicated I’ll explain it later on my post ).  First few weeks I did was the daring things.., I’ve forced myself to be around guys (I’m guy) all the time, not because I could check if I get attracted to them..but rather I forced myself be around them (that’s where I worked at that time..there were always naked men) so I can get the lossen the gripe of the fear and I can tell my hocd mind to calm down .  I knew I wasn’t gay ..i knew all the sudden I wouldn’t  get turned on by seeing a naked men..but however my hocd side would tell me all that what ifs and I knew even if I get one of those ‘what was the demon attack”?..you ?.  There were battle going on in me for sure..and when I was around men..sure It was no walk at the park..it was horrifying at first I couldn’t  bear looking  at men’s let along naked mens are you kidding me.., but I kept  looking at the big picture..telling myself  that its okay, its okay to fear the reason you are fearing cause you’re not gay or bi...whatever  images you’re getting (weather it  was men doing it to me or did I just get turned on by watching his rear end ) is not real..

I stayed away from opposite sex..(even tho I didn’t mind being around girls at all just like other hocd sufferers .  But I knew that if played by hocd rules I wouldn’t get any where..)oh let me get this straight..in that six months period of time I wasn’t dating or seeing anybody.., if you are only being around people that is same sex as you are..you are probably feeding your hocd.   Fear is the fuel for Hocd or any other ocd…and by only being with opposite sex and always checking to see if you are still attracted to opposite sex..indicates that you are playing by hocd rules.   So try not to be around opposite sex as much as you can, when that  isn’t an option..then just try not to check to see if you are still accreted to opposite sex or don’t try so hard to get turned on by opposite sex.  Stay away from porn,  smoking pot even cigarettes, alcohol, gambling  and food  anything that can be related ..it didn’t take too long to figure out that porn and smoking cigarettes only makes things worse..(it may makes things feel better for temporary but..later on it gets worse twice) by theory is that when you are high on anything that’s when all the hocd thoughts, images, doubts ,  flash back or what ever the sensation you are going ..everything Amplifies, for whatever reason .  Do exercise daily, keep a healthy diet..trust me its significant, cause exercise and good diet helps release a lot of those stresses and ect..that is created by hocd…and go out as much as you can be , surround yourself with people  that are close to you..do normal activities..(not talking about compulsive activates  such as pot, alcohol, food, porn, sex..ect) you must force yourself..even though I bet all you want to do is stay in your little comfort zone..but take my word for it, its very important..to go out  and surround yourself with people and keep yourself busy and try to leave normal life as much as you can.   And at home listen to music or watch TV keep your mind busy. (if you have fear of  watching TV cause you might see some one from same sex and you might … ) do it any way..thats what I’m trying to say..just force yourself to do the opposite of what your hocd mind telling you to do, Oh and I forgot to bring this up earlier that I did not masturbate with anything that 6-7 months …cause for me whenever I did   any sexual actives,  I couldn’t stop my mind from imagining  all  thoughts and images(like men is doing exactly to me what I’m fantasizing about doing with a women) it was obvious that looking at women  with lust and watching porn made things far worse.  ..Alright what other steps that I’ve taken? Hmm..I can’t say all the agonizing  sensation that I’ve had cause it’s possible that if I go into details .. I’m afraid that all these will  get stuck in your head and you will end up having  the very same sensation.    So I’ve to be very careful..

Anyhow other than my faith in God ..the most important counter attack I’ve used agint would be this..but all those steps above  are also very important..


I’ve used fear itself  There were few failures in my early attempts .  Cause When you have hocd, you’re always demonized by “What what that terrifying moment?”(and what I mean by that is ..you know its one those horrifying moment where you see youself are getting turned on by same sex, or your there is movement in your private area cause you just saw some’s butt or private area ..and that person happens to be same sex as you are, or it could be a thought or image or fantasy where you think you would enjoy that with someone same sex as you are, or some one from same sex walks by and you want to kiss him or her..ect, you get my point.  And then secns  later you’re having a panic attack, your are horrified , demonized . At this point you tell yourself..Oh God what was that?..did I really want to do that?.. did I really feel that way? .oh God I’m sure I’m become gay .. or bi..maybe I was straight but now I’m gay /bi for sure.  I have to check..thats what I call “what was that terrorfying moment”?

After experiencing such a horrifying moments  like that.. hocd  always gets worse..and the cycle continues.  I believe how it works is that all those false illusion was created by doubt and mostly fears..As i’ve said fear is the fuel of ocd.  Fear created all this illusion in your mind..and sometimes your brain gives you false body signals

  Especially when the level of the fear  and anxiety is high in you.., have you noticed when you are confident and calm you don’t have this “what was that terror?”.  Now lets get back on checking..you are at a point where you  have to check..no matter what..or else you are going to die.  But mostly you want to do it porn ..to see you if you get anything going in you when you are watching porn.. temporary you are convinced that you are not gay at least yet..cause you got turned on by opposite sex..and you didn’t show anything toward  same sex..but your hocd mind is telling you “so you are not gay but how do you explain that or what was that or how do you describe that past situation, how do you explain that? That was totally a sign of you being gay” and then you’d bite into it ..trying play the same scenario in your mind..did I really wanted to kiss him or was that a turned on,  if you could see yourself from outside looking in, at that very moment the fear and anxiety level is even higher in you than previous..so while you are going thru checking ..your mind does make you feel like you wanted to kiss him or you got turned on.   That’s where most fails..and I did too.

But  by God’s grace  I was able to use the fear it self as a counter attack.  I tell you that there comes a time that you can’t tell difference between your real sexual attractions toward opposite sex and false one toward same sex..you brain will make it out seems so real..

So the only way you can tell if its real or not, is by using fear it self , its like the law of gravity..you can fear it and be in love it at the same time (ok you might be wondering sure they were a lot of things that I’ve hated at first but once I’ve tried it I’ve fallen love with it) but its totally different..again it goes to you can never turn into one..those people who have turned into gay or bi..they never went thru this in their lifetime, not even ONCE.  Okay lets take you for an example..when you are young and finding out the attraction to opposite sex..tell me, how many time did you have panic attack? And when you dreamed about marrying that someone from opposite sex..how many times did you sweat in blood? When you fantasized about opposite sex..how many times did you have nightmare?  None right..you’ve loved everything about it when it comes to attraction toward opposite sex..see you have no fear cause that’s natural..kissing some one or having sex with someone opposite sex..its pleasurable to you.  That  Proves that you can’t fear the same sex and be attracted to them at the same time.  So those false imaginations, thoughts, and attractions toward same sex can  play out the same way in your mind just as it would toward opposite sex..which is you would enjoy..but false ones can’t pass through your mind without spiking you,,making you freaking out…so always tell you self instead of checking..how can I be gay?..when, every time I’ve this thoughts, fantasies, turn on or  when I think my private area is getting hard  or what ever...instantly I end up having panic attack..i can’t talk, I can’t think..i can’t breath..the horror and the pain I can’t put it in words..how can those this thoughts, fantasies, turn on be real? When I’m getting turned toward opposite sex do I go thru the same?

 So no matter what the situation is ..you never have to check, instead of checking you’d use fear it self, its simple when you have one of those “what was that terrifying moment?” you’re not sure that if thought or fantasy , was real.  Or did I just get turned on by  same sex,? Ask yourself okay am I fearing ..am I shaking..am I sweating , am I panicking..am I being demonized..?  and that’s how you ‘d use fear it self. Again so instead of checking ..but use the fear to indicate.  Having said that it takes time ..at first its not easy..and I must give you a heads up that..sometimes..you can’t always detect  your fear, especially when you are improving  ..sometimes hocd mind will tells you that “see now you are not fearing..I’m sure you are enjoying that (it could a homosexual thought or walking like a girl, being touched by same sex your hocd mind could tell you that you enjoyed it could this time you did not panic or showed any sign of fear)..that means you have become gay for sure”  but wait a sec..you will see all the sign of fear and anxiety , sometimes it takes while but again Don’t go on checking ..the reason you want to check proves that you are fearing, you are freaking out in the inside ..always wait to see you’re fearing  or showing  any sign of anxiety .  Just take my word for it.


Once you start showing constancy ..not giving into checking ..keep on ignoring those thoughts and images and body signals..you will notice that they are will become weaker and weaker and later they will slowly dissolved..whatever you ‘re experiencing right now it all can be reversed.

I was reading what most of you had to say..its always the same story ..I’ve always find opposite attractive.. but until this came out of blue, now i don’t  know what is real,  I’ve read some of you can’t go in front of mirror afraid that you might get turned on by yourself..(been there ,, trust me I can’t tell how horrible my case was..little hint..many times I think I saw I wanted suck my own.. and many other worse unwanted ..  but again instead of checking I used the fear it self  I let the fear indicated that what I saw or felt or imagined wasn’t real.  You have learn to be strong when it comes to the time where you have urge to check..but instead laugh at those thoughts..keep your cool..Try to be emotionless.. and eventually don’t act surprise anymore when you have these unwanted homosexual stuff.  Remember you are not going to die for not checking..(the reason you want to check is  because you fear ) but by checking you will fall into deeper..and deeper.

Some of  you say that when you think someone from same sex is good looking or handsome or beautiful..that triggers panic attack and you think you might be gay..(this is totally kindergartner stuff) but anyway..if that were true then everybody in the world would be gay..or bi.  Its finding someone from same sex pretty, beautiful and admiring their looks..or shape it has nothing to do with being gay.  Thinks about it when you think someone from same sex is good looking, or pretty and you like that person..how many times you really imagined that you would go out on a date with that person or fantasized getting married with that person…or thought how good it would feel kissing him/her or making love to him/her? Never right.  Its just you like the way they look and you wouldn’t mind being their friend or  admiring them..or becoming fan of theirs,  there is nothing sexual, romantic or psychical about it, ..there is nothing more to it, GET OVER IT.  Now that I’ve said all these things you mind might play tricks on you when you see somebody good looking walking by or on tv as same as you are ..as soon as you notice that person is good looking..you mind will make you see things like you want to kiss him or you’d totally like making love to that person or going on a date (again all these are created by fears and use the fear it self you see if that was true attraction or not )

I read some of you say if its possible that hocd can make you feel like feminine?  (or the opposite or you are a women)  yes..you have no idea what your mind capable of doing..your hocd mind uses your  brains to send all these false signal to the body.., you have no idea how powerful hocd is, it made me feel like walk and talk like girl for a while..(sorry I don’t mean to spike you)  but it all can be reversed all these..

Some of you said that you’ve tried to except that you are gay or bi and just get on with your life..Thinking that would make things better, but you can never accept it can you? Not in this life time  my friend..that proves that you can’t all the sudden turned into gay.

Another very important   step is that you may never come to any other ocd, hocd blog and read anyone’s entries…it may makes you feel better for only awhile that you can relate but at the same time what you are reading is getting stuck in your head..but most likely you will end up having those hocd sensations.  That’s how your ocd sub conscious works..so you must withdraw from any ocd forum, blog, group and ect..

It took me about 6-8 months to be totally free..but it’s a progress..at first its going to be 2 step forward and 1 step backward  then later on 5 step forward and 1 step backward.  Before I wrap this up..i might give my testimony .. its wouldn’t be fair if I’ve said that I’ve done it all on my own, when my hocd was severe and I also feared that I had bdd, depression.   I can’t put it in words how I’ve felt or what i went through at that time, I was suicidal I felt that was only way out.  But also thought about my family, especially my parents how would they feel rest of their life if I had taken the easy way out? I was believer but not a very good one..the reason my hocd started it was because I was struggling with pornography at that time..and one time I was reading this blog where this guys says that his brother was addicted to porn and he became gay. That’s how my hocd started anyhow ..so I thought I got myself into this..and God is probably faraway from me  I thought iwas possessed by demon, probably God has forsaken me.  But I’ve heard a pastor was going thru the same when he was young, felt like he had lost his salvation cause of some sin.  That was far from truth ..long story short..sitting in my dark room thinking God there has to a way out of this please  help, I can’t endure this..

When you are at the end of the rope  the new  and in despair. Its always hard to  for a new beginning..but the turning point for me was

When I’ve read in the bible where paul says  

2 Corinthians 12:7

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 1:8-11 

8We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. 9Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.


At times even Paul himself despairing of life, and it was absolutely hopeless for him; he had given up; there was no way out. But then he adds, But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but God.  Hocd, or any other anxiety disorder or depression, bi-polar ect..if you diagnosed with any of these .. The “ far beyond our ability to endue”  “ felt the sentences of death”  it all sounds too familiar, when our hocd strikes.   So this verse I felt like God was talking to me, indeed he was.. 



Even though I wasn’t apostle but I sure can relate with Paul the thorn in the flesh..which is just like hocd,  24/7 its always there distracting, reacting, confusing, tormenint, killing me from the inside.  So that’s when I did drew near God knowing that he loves me.  No matter how dark is it looking right now his grace is sufficient for me, he would not let me down. 


Paul also wrote “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed”. 2 Cor. 4: 8-9 (NIV)

Through it  all ..and still going strong.

One day I was watching TV this stunt performer was perform in front of live audience. He  had to escape from jar  that was filled with water and he would call audience handcuff him and then once he goes inside of that small jar..they would lock the jar from the outside..but before all the happened. This is what he’ve said this one goes out to those are dealing with anxiety, phobia panic attacks and people with fear of drowning or getting stuck in tight space  “sure a lot of things crosses my mind everything I do this..its one of the dangerous job one could have,  But I don’t let fear take over, cause whether I live or die ..i live or die for Christ, which means I can face any fear knowing that nothing can over take me..cause no matter what happens I always belong to Christ.  Simple”

And the rest was history, not to long ago I was visiting hocd blog and Searching for answer, checking to see if any one else was going through this..or can anyone relate, and of course am I gay or do I’ve hocd?   .But this time I come as a conqueror, I find everything you folks have said amusing instead of horrifying, that’s how much I’ve mastered my hocd (forgive me it may seems like I’m being arrogant but I’m trying to prove my point here that with God all things are possible It says in the bible “I can do all things thru Christ “ also said “when  I’m weak Christ is strong” ) ..sure it was step by step..but I truly believe without my faith in Christ I’d never made it. His Love prevailed..but no I’m not here to preach.


However I do like an point out that if you are a believer ..plase get daily does of  all God’s promises “that he would never leave us nor forsake us” “no one can separate us from love of God, nor height nor depth, nor angels, nor any creations ..” “his love is stronger than anything you’ll ever faced” "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30. Isaiah 43:2 <When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.>    a lot more..so meditate in his word..take them to your heart, and just trust in the arm of the Father (heavenly Father).

And if you are a non believer..i’m assuming that you’d probably find God, the  bible and the Christianity nothing but  fairy tales..created by human,  But friends I’m here to tell you that..there is a God and above all he loves you, he wants to set you free..so just come to him, test him for yourself if hes real or not.


When you draw near him and just believe that his grace is sufficient for you to overcome this demonic  illness, he will deliver you..no doubt in my mind, not only that he is even willing to help you to believe in  him and his strength.   Also bible says  “love is opposite of fears and his perfect love cast out all fears “


I’d like to close by saying that the name of the Christ is above all name which includes depression, bdd, panic attack, ocd, pocd, rocd, hocd, Demon and everything else..so whatever you are going thru Christ is more than enough just come to him as you are.

Trust me I do understand what’s it like.. what you are going thru..its dark, its bounding and the pain and the torment I can’t put it in words.. I’ve not forgotten . and I’m not trying to shove Christ down your throat..   But he is the answer, give him a try.  You probably have given everything else a try..so its only fair.  And if hes not real, you’ve got nothing to lose.

Here’s my email adds  let me know if you want to talk about anything or if you have any questions, i’m here for you.  God bless